(Triggers: Mental health, death/loss, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, overdose, self-harm, new year, family) 

At what point do we allow ourselves to reach out? To seek support and guidance? There is often a sense of shame and fear of stigma and discrimination when it comes to admitting you need help. But, there needn’t be, after all, “around 3.8 million people were in contact with NHS mental health, learning disability and autism services over the last year, up almost two-fifths compared to before the pandemic.”(1).  

Sometimes you have to find the glimmers just to keep on going. Whenever it is dark know there is a spark of light, joy, and hope within your soul. Life is complicated, chaotic and, as I’ve always put it – A beautiful nightmare. The relationship we have with life is somewhat of a journey. We experience the uphill battle, and we seek the dangers and push boundaries for the thrill of adrenaline on a roller coaster ride. Like a phoenix, no matter how many times we burst into flames, we rise from the ashes. We feel more gratitude and hope, and we feel a sense of change. Change can bring its own set of challenges and uncertainties, but we embrace them because we have been through so much and we fight for every breath we have in our entire being.  

However, when we are challenged by inner demons, ghosts of the past, or the mental and physical torment of trauma, our mind can trick us into believing we’re not worthy of all the good stuff. All the glimmers fade, we can’t see the light, we can’t feel hope and we can’t seek the thrill of adrenaline. There’s just an emptiness. And despite the empty feeling, it weighs so much – as if you’re tied to a rock, and thrown into the deepness of the sea, sinking into oblivion. Your chest tightens and you feel suffocated. The weight pushes further and further, trapping you into the darkness. You can’t see past the hurt and pain and the voices in your head, and it feels as though you eventually become the monster your mind is tricking you into being.  

……………………….. 

We’re at the end of our first month of 2025, and still, for many, our thoughts are to the memories of the past year, and what 2024 had in store for us. I would be lying if I were to say I was happy with how 2024 turned out. Whilst, I had many successes (such as completing my HICAT, starting a new job role and celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary with Lauren), I also experienced many mental and physical setbacks (mostly due to my stoma surgery) and, I found myself asking my GP to refer me back to the community mental health team (CMHT) now known as Mental Health Together. Whilst waiting patiently for my appointment, the chaos of life soon caught up with me and my family.  

Mum informed us that our Grandad passed away on Christmas Day. Hearing of the news was difficult to hear, but not unexpected. He had been poorly for such a long time; we felt a sense of relief that he was finally able to be at peace. Mum had held onto telling us on Boxing Day, so that Christmas was still “Christmas”. However, it’d been a quiet and very different Christmas to any other, and that alone had taken a lot of energy to get used to. For me, I’d spent my first Christmas Day working. A day I thought I would manage. But, as we hit Christmas Eve, I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t deal with the immense amount of change. My brain was already in overwhelm and I was certain I’d find myself in an autistic meltdown at some point. I just didn’t know when. 

[Autistic meltdowns are intense responses to overwhelming situations, often triggered by sensory overload, changes in routine, or high levels of stress. Unlike tantrums, these meltdowns are not intentional and can be very distressing for the individual. During a meltdown, a person might cry, scream, hit, or engage in other behaviours to cope with the overwhelming emotions. For me, I find myself crying an awful lot and not knowing how to deal with the intensity of emotion. It’s important to approach meltdowns with empathy and understanding, and if you can, provide a safe and calm environment to help the individual regain control. Recognising the signs and triggers of autistic meltdowns can also help in preventing them and supporting the person’s needs effectively. It’s something I am learning to recognise as a late-diagnosed autistic person]. 

Reflecting on Grandad’s passing, in truth, we weren’t as close as I’d have liked us to have been. I guess that’s why he was more often thought of, and in spirit, I hoped he would feel that. Perhaps when we were younger, we were ‘closer’ because they lived a couple of hours away – But when they decided to move to the Isle of Wight, things became trickier. There was nothing worse than trying to get a complex, dysfunctional, autistic family who can’t even live under the same roof together, to behave as an allistic “normal” family for a short trip away. Still, despite the distance and lack of contact, Grandad was often thought of and spoken about. Mostly, because two of my siblings had the greatest gift of being named after him. But also, because Grandad was one of 13 siblings! The family would throw family reunions to catch up with one another, celebrate their family history and support each other in the present and future. Being a part of a family who were there for each other, was and has been something my Mum always wanted for her children.  
 
Unfortunately, over the years there have been a lot of complex traumas, which has meant sibling support was more often sibling rivalry. With several of us diagnosed autistic, or with some kind of mental health condition (or both), we’re pretty much losing a battle before we’ve even tried winning it! That being said, there are times when we can pull together, and for a couple of us, we are still there for each other – no matter what. 

On 30^th December 2024, Lauren and I had arranged to join my Dad for a meal with my youngest brother and his partner. It was one of those awkward “we’ve not seen you since last Christmas” scenarios, and the moments of silence screamed the volumes of “what are we doing here?!” However, in the end, it wasn’t too bad, except for the fact my Dad finds it hard to join us for the meal he prepares for us. Instead, he titivates in the kitchen, seeing it as entertainment that he is providing us with a cooked meal. The meal was delicious, and we laughed about how full we all were. It was lavishing, and dessert came at a cost – “Just one more wafer…?” a reference to Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life (2) character Mr Creosote, a joke that has stuck with our family since I can remember! 

By the time we got home, we were exhausted and ready to hit the hay. I’d taken my night-time medication and was almost ready for bed when I received a message from Mum. She said she was glad to hear I’d had a nice evening, leading me to respond with a “Hang on a minute… This is how it went….” sort of message because I hadn’t been in contact about the meal. Which, in hindsight probably wasn’t the best thing to do.  

The next thing still haunts me and is deeply upsetting. (Trigger warnings: #overdose #suicideattempt)

My first draft of this blog post focused on what happened and my Mum said she thought it should be able how I was feeling. After all, this blog is about me and my life. However, my Mum is a huge part of my life, so naturally, I focused more on her and what happened. In recent weeks, I have learnt so much from her, and I know where I get my sensitive and kind soul from. I know I get my creativity from both my parents, but my writing skills and ability to voice how I feel, are most definitely from her. So, let’s try and say how I felt instead: 

Mum took an overdose on 30^th December.  

Even just writing those words feels utterly bizarre. My brain trying to comprehend exactly what happened that night. I’m still struggling to make sense of it all, and although there were so many things leading up to the ‘event’, the trauma of being witness, feeling helpless, yet being the one who ultimately “saved her life”, is something that I will continue to think about, learn and grow from. 

How did I know? I’d been on a video call with Mum, concerned about her replies to my messages. I don’t think Mum really knew what she was doing due to how intoxicated she was. And, I know some people would be angry that she did it whilst on the phone with me (having spoken with Mum, she says she is angry at herself – Mum, please don’t be angry). But, for me, I was relieved that I was able to see so that I could help in some way. If I didn’t or couldn’t see what was happening, there’s a chance Mum wouldn’t be here today. This is something I can grow from. I work with individuals who are reaching a crisis point in my day job, and whilst there are boundaries at work, I wasn’t as restricted with Mum, and I could run to her aid (Of course, this also meant panic-talking Lauren into calling for an ambulance, and then whilst I held onto the call with Mum, I also needed to phone the police to help gain entry to her property, all whilst having a complete emotional breakdown!).

How did I feel? Honestly? Broken. I felt like I’d been a trigger in the moments leading up to the event, and that by jumping to some assumptions, I felt hatred and anger. And, those feelings hurt. I didn’t hate Mum, and I wasn’t angry at her. I was distressed at the situation, but I was also angry at myself for the assumptions I had made about my Dad, in thinking he had potentially messaged her about how ‘wonderful’ the evening was, even though that hadn’t been the case at all (He had previously invited her for dinner, but declined the invitation back in November when it was being planned). I’d begged the police to see her phone, but they wouldn’t let me because it was “evidence”, should the worst happen, and the case needed to be investigated. I tried to access WhatsApp on her iPad, but there was no way of accessing it there. I felt at a loss, I felt guilt, and I felt shame.  

“You saved your Mum’s life tonight for calling us when you did” repeated in my head from the police. But the mental torment was “Mum’s going to hate me for saving her life” and “What if Mum says she just wanted to be at peace?” “What if she was finally at peace?”. I knew I shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, but the negative-automatic thoughts were becoming intrusive and I was riddled with them. I was starting to hate myself for what was happening.

What happened was due to an accumulation of things which go back many, many years. Whilst I cannot know for certain what was really going on in Mum’s mind, I could only assume the more recent triggers had been a series of events which happened over the past year (as I mentioned at the beginning, 2024 hadn’t been easy!). During this period, I feel some of us in the family tried to support her in the best way possible, but we still saw Mum’s mental health decline.  

Mum’s potential trigger points: 

• Mum lost her job unfairly and unjustly in September 2023 – A month after her 60^th birthday (seems ageist, right?!). She’d dedicated half her life – Just short of 30 years to working in a nursery, and in all that time, I’ve been at Mum’s side, where I’ve also been lucky enough to contribute to the role she played in supporting young children. (I honestly thought I would go into childcare at some point, but I also thought many other things! #AuDHDmind) Mum always had the nursery in mind – Often spending hours outside of work creating visual storybooks (aka child reports) for the parents (which you wouldn’t see happen now, how times have changed!). Mum would always be looking out for additional resources to enhance the quality of the children’s early education and experience of being at the nursery. She’d be seeking quality items from boot fairs or trading in our unwanted books and toys. Mum also had the pleasure of taking in my siblings as babies for interactive questions and answers for children keen on dressing up and role-play!
  
  In recent years, Mum has been working through Makaton and introducing this to the children. She’s also been learning to play the ukulele, and again, contributed music to nursery rhymes. Mum even made storytime and music videos during the pandemic for the children to watch at home via YouTube, and it was AMAZING!
  
  She was so keen on learning and helping young children, that she took an interest in studying child psychology and early signs of autism. This enabled her to recognise the behaviours in children who may have needed additional support, often picking it up in her key children, and ensuring they were supported in the best way possible.
  
  An example of just how amazing Mum was at her job happened unexpectedly at the beginning of this year. We went to see the pantomime and whilst waiting to greet the stars backstage, a couple of children smiled at Mum. They had been her key children at nursery, and here they were 8+ years later, recognising and remembering Mum! You may think, “Well, that’s not unusual to remember your teachers”, except in this situation, Mum looks very different to all those years ago – She no longer has her long curly dyed-red hair! She shaved it off during the pandemic and now changes the colour frequently! I thought it was amazing for them to acknowledge Mum in this way. I think Mum found it encouraging to know that they were doing so well, but I imagine she also felt a sense of sadness because she didn’t get to have a positive send-off from the nursery. After all, they had ultimately taken a huge chunk of her life away from her in the most disrespectful way. (I could go on, but I am so angry with what they have done. I just know that I don’t have my “What goes around comes around” tattoo for nothing. I have it for a reason, and I believe in karma).  
   

• Over the years, a couple of my siblings have made accusations about myself and my Mum. It’s led to many tears, anxieties, and family feuds. I’ve talked about a lot of it in therapy before, yet I know I am still deeply affected by it. It doesn’t help when things continue to “come out of the woodwork”. Most recently, fictitious stories and threats made by my siblings instilled fear and heartache. I have decided I’m not going to go into detail here because sometimes things need to be kept away from public scrutiny. So, all I’ll say is that sometimes there are no words, and this has been one of those occasions. There’s a huge sense of sadness. 
   

• I also imagine that another potential trigger could have been an overwhelming feeling of isolation and loneliness on Christmas Day and the lead-up to the New Year. I can imagine these feelings just escalated. After all, the time between Christmas and New Year feels like the longest and most confusing time, when you start reflecting on the past year and begin to focus on what the New Year holds. However, with family being scattered, and getting on with their lives, as in this instance – being on your own can make you feel like you’re not wanted or needed anymore. However, in reality, you are loved, appreciated, valued and thought of! I know Mum would often join in with her online ukulele groups across the globe at different hours of the day or night, but I have also come to the realisation that online communities don’t always fill the “void”, and when logging off the computer, being left to your own thoughts in an empty house, the darkness can creep in and smother you. I can only imagine the sense of dejection and hopelessness Mum may have felt. (Mum, this is a reminder that I love you and I will always need my Mum! And, I am super proud of all you have achieved!)  
   

So, these are just three potential trigger points. Although I have been through this blog, draft after draft with Mum, I feel as though there will always be something which is missing – Why? Because Mum still has a lot of processing to do, and I am really hoping that moving forward, she can do this with support. 
 
From these points, I don’t think anyone would blame Mum for the ways she was feeling at the end of the year. For me, what hurt the most was that I couldn’t help her “in the moment” when she mostly needed someone, and I couldn’t prevent what happened. After all, I’ve been in a position where I needed help when feeling the same way – suicidal – and at the time, I had managed to reach out during the time of crisis, after a relatively small overdose. I would like to believe that Mum not realising she was on a video call to me, whilst experiencing the overwhelming emptiness and feelings of wanting to end her life, was because there was something in the universe that wanted to make sure she was safe. And, that was maybe me being there to help in another way. Even if I did feel as though Mum would hate me for “saving her” because she would have rather, in that moment, ended her life.  

I hold onto the fact I’d managed to be on the call with Mum. I’d managed to keep her talking. I’d managed to get Lauren to call the ambulance, and I managed to get to her house. I managed to call the police after not being able to use my key in the lock due to it having a key in, on the other side. The police forced entry and they managed to save Mum. I then had the difficult decision to make with Lauren on who to call next. I mentally weighed up the pros and cons for each person and on reflection, sadly some people didn’t even cross my mind when perhaps they ought to have done. Still, in what felt like a moment of madness, where time passed by but felt like the clocks stopped ticking, I felt whoever we called would either be the right thing or the wrong thing. I just had to make a choice, and we called my oldest brother at 7am with the news.  

The days which followed were exhausting for us all. I could see how mentally drained Mum was. She was discharged from the hospital several hours before the UK New Year celebrations, with a plan from the psychiatry liaison service. That night we called my sister to let her know, and I encouraged her to try and get some rest and drive down the next day. I worried Mum would feel smothered of people – That she had been living alone to having some of her children back under the same roof. I worried that if she was then suddenly left on her own, she would be at risk again. Of course, this is another thing out of my control, and have to learn to understand and accept. I knew that Mum was now getting daily support from the home treatment team (aka, the crisis team), and that certain things were being put in place to ensure she had the right support.  

Dad had also been to visit for the “conversation”, and whilst there were still questions on who needed to know, Dad had said he’d “sort of” been expecting it. This then unravelled lots of conversations about other family issues, and honestly, it was just a bit of a whirlwind of information that’ll take time to process.

Through the trauma, I’d also seen my older brother in another light, which frightened me. I had never seen him so angry, and there he was behaving in a way that reflected one of our younger siblings. It was after a flippant remark I had made to try and make light of the situation, as I could see Mum looking perplexed at what was being said. I had thought, in that moment, I didn’t think it mattered at the time, and what was important was focusing on Mum and not the damage caused to the door when the police forced entry. But his outburst and seeing him act the way he had done, brought up recurrent negative feelings of growing up and being blamed for the way my siblings behaved. I blamed myself because I felt I’d caused emotions to blow. And, when I blame myself, my instant thought goes to harm.  

How do I deal with intense, overwhelming feelings? I have tried every technique in the book, but I still find myself opting for harmful behaviours as a way to switch my focus in the moment. As my brother ran upstairs to decompress, I found myself jumping up at the chance to do the washing up, just so I could try and find the sharpest tool to harm myself. I barely scratched the surface, but it gave me a slight sense of relief. I tried with all my might to reflect on the situation, even to the point of trying to empathise with the fact my brother had lost his Dad only the year before. God, did I feel awful. We both apologised to each other and moved on.

Since that night, I’ve spent X amount of money on new piercings and tattoos, just to try and alleviate the urges to self-harm. But even they don’t seem to be enough. I still feel trapped in this loop of harm, and whilst I always find myself “preaching” about self-care and coping mechanisms, I understand how and why it can be so hard to grasp them when you’re overcome by sadness and grief. I held onto the fact I had the referral to Mental Health Matters, and with my own mental health declining throughout November and December, I knew I had to be honest with how I was and have been feeling.

I come to realise that mostly throughout this experience, I have felt a sense of blame and, perhaps that is due to my own insecurities and anxiousness. I know this ‘blame’ comes from my teenage and younger adult years of being told I often instigated the situations that caused my siblings to have outbursts of anger and destruction. I recognise that I sometimes make comments (sometimes inappropriate, unfiltered comments), and upon learning I’m autistic, this is probably why. Mostly because in whatever situation I find myself in, I’m also trying to filter and process what’s going on in my brain.

I’ve taken so long to write the post, mostly because I needed to process it all, and write with sensitivity and understanding. Often, I find myself writing to process feelings. And, because of my own relapse (which occurred during the time of my failed parastomal hernia repair surgery in November, and has been ongoing since), I reflect on having EUPD, being Bipolar, learning I have ADHD and still understanding what it means to be autistic. The umbrella of Neurodiversity is complex, and I am still learning more about myself each, and every day. 

I am in a state of masking which utilises so much energy, and I reached a point of my own crisis and went from autistic meltdown to autistic shutdown. I had been in a position where I needed to be ‘strong’ and ‘fearless’, but when I couldn’t open my Mum’s front door and the police had to force entry, I was beyond strong, I felt in the deep end as if I were drowning and it just a terrible vivid nightmare. I feel as though I wore several ‘hats’ and different ‘masks’ over the new year. I struggled to recognise my identity, switching from daughter, sister, wife, crisis recovery worker, and lastly, myself. Who was I then? And, who am I now? 

[(Autism) masking refers to the strategies some autistic individuals use to hide or minimise their autistic traits in social situations. This can include mimicking the behaviours of neurotypical peers, suppressing stimming behaviours, or forcing eye contact. While masking can help individuals navigate social interactions and avoid negative judgements, it can also be exhausting and lead to increased stress, anxiety, and a sense of losing one’s true self. Over time, the effort required to maintain this facade can contribute to burnout and mental health challenges. Understanding and accepting autistic behaviours can help create more inclusive environments where individuals feel safe to be themselves]. 

Earlier in the month, my older brother shared his account of what happened. I’ve been hurt by the way I seem to come across in his version of events. I sound heartless, uncaring, and unsympathetic about his feelings and what happened with Mum. Mostly that I had apparently been wanting Mum to be sorry, when this was simply not the case. I was fully aware that we all had very deep-rooted feelings in this situation, and we would all respond differently, and we each had our own part to play in, hopefully, Mum’s recovery.

However, from what I’ve read, I can’t help but wonder what was worse, being there – or – not being there?  It sounds as though I didn’t account for anyone else’s feelings because I was so engrossed in my own and demanding Mum apologises for her actions. Just writing that makes me feel physically sick.

I’ve already mentioned feeling as though I needed to be ‘strong’ and fearless’, but I was on my own when the police gained entry to my Mum’s house. I was on the phone screaming at the police for not getting to the property sooner. I was the one standing inches away from the police officer who stood at my Mum’s bedroom door yelling that I had a right to see my Mum, only to be told “I can’t let you in there”. I was on my own for some time before Lauren arrived to the house of chaos. I was the one going from daughter-mode to work-mode. I had to learn the boundaries and I had to learn what was effectively right in the situation without having a detriment to any of the relationships around me, because I had to make a decision, a choice on who to call for extra support. Yet, all I could feel was a sense of self-destruction and a fear of losing those I love around me. I don’t know what this all means for the future. Only that I have so much to work through and understand.

I have a lot to learn about myself after these events. I want to find a way out of the darkness and focus on the glimmers that I know we deserve. As I wrap this ridiculously long, but important to write, process and share, I bring the attention to the date. We’re one month in from Mum’s attempt to take her life. This is the aftermath and there are things in place for the future. There are anxieties, of course, there are. But, these will ease because what has happened has happened. We will learn to live and accept it. We will grow from it, and we will learn to support one another, be kind to each other and mostly, I hope, be kinder to ourselves. I certainly want to get to this point again. I had been doing so well.

Ironically, my referral appointment with Mental Health Together was scheduled for after the events, so I had a lot to talk about! From my initial appointment, they suggested a service for autistic adults and referred me to Porchlight for mental health support. However, the manager from Porchlight went back to Mental Health Together suggesting I need the clinical support and their service is more ‘practical’. So, I have my “in-depth” assessment with Mental Health Together next week, which will ultimately decide on the next steps in my mental health recovery.

I’m pleased to say, Mum, too, continues to get support from the community mental health team and I’m relieved she’s now getting support. I truly hope this continues, as it’s been a long time coming. I really hope she can find joy again and see the glimmers that truly make life beautiful.

2025 hasn’t been an easy start, but I have been trying to focus on moving forward – and reminding myself that:

Life can be tough, but so are you

Here are a few things I’ve got coming up in 2025…

– I’ve been settling into my role as a facilitator in support groups for AuDHD UK, which I feel is an important thing for me to do.  

– I’m also looking at starting up a new creative coaching side-biz (watch this space – the Facebook page has been created!) 

– I have enrolled on a Level 3 Autism Awareness course! 

So, that’s a few things to keep me relatively sane (?!) or, I must be mad for taking more stuff on! 

Though, in 2025, I must bear in mind that I’m having major surgery at some point this year. Well, two surgeries! 

• I’ve had my pre-op for my colorectal surgery (sub-total colectomy, parastomal hernia repair, and stoma refashioning) and I’m awaiting a surgery date. 

• I’m also waiting on hand and wrist surgery on my left wrist for ‘De Quervain’s tenosynovitis’. Yes, that’s another failed surgery that I’ve had in the past! (and the pre-op for that is next week).  

So, with lots to “look forward to”, I am doing my best to make sure I have the support around me. I am starting to think ahead to my surgeries, and what support I might need before, during and after them. I was so sick at the end of last year with c.diff leading to infection colitis, that now I have colitis flare-ups and my ridiculously large parastomal hernia is back with a vengeance. All I can do now, is advocate for myself and make sure there is mental health support available after my surgeries.

Remember, we’re not just a statistic in the mental health system, even though it often feels like it. We’re human beings with damaged souls, awaiting the light.  

Remember by reaching out for support you can learn to manage and overcome challenges that can significantly impact your well-being and daily functioning. There are things such as professional support (therapy or counselling) that can provide a safe space to explore emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain insights into one’s mental health.  

It is proven that early intervention can prevent issues from escalating and improve overall quality. There are so many services and charities offering support when in need. The NHS website offers a full list of where to find immediate and appointment-based support: Click this link for support

Did you know that reaching out for support reduces the stigma associated with mental health, encouraging others to do the same? By prioritising our mental health, individuals can lead more balanced, fulfilling lives and build resilience against future stressors.

I know people may question my choice to share this life event. So, I’ll answer that question now:
I want to be the voice for those who can’t find the words and to share that it’s ok not to be ok.

And as I’ve mentioned already, it’s also completely normal to have relapses and to require extra help throughout your life. It’s so, so important to recognise and remember this! I’ll continue to advocate for mental health awareness because you know I’ve had my fair share of relapses, and as I openly share that I’ve been struggling since my cancelled surgery in September, to failed surgery in November and the trauma of the past month, with the right support, I’ll be back on my feet soon!

That’s why I am so keen to share my story and my experiences – Because, like REN:  

“Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distant
I’ve been taking some time to be still
I’ve been taking some time to be by myself
And I’ve spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide starts turning
Just as sure as the night has dawn
Just as sure as rainfall soon runs dry
When you stand in an eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted
I was made to be broken and beat
I was made by His hand, it’s all part of His plan
That I stand on my own two feet
And you know me, my will is eternal
And you know me, you’ve met me before
Face-to-face with a beast, I will rise from the east
And I’ll settle on the ocean floor”

(See below video for full lyrics to Ren – Hi Ren)

Ren – Hi Ren – Lyrics

Hi there Ren, it’s been a little while, did you miss me?
You thought you’d buried me, didn’t you? Risky
‘Cause I always come back, deep down, you know that
Deep down, you know I’m always in the periphery

Ren, aren’t you pleased to see me?
It’s been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need me
You’re the sheep, I’m the shepherd, not your place to lead me
Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me

Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distant
I’ve been taking some time to be still
I’ve been taking some time to be by myself
Since my therapist told me I’m ill

And I’ve been making some progress lately
And I’ve learnt some new coping skills
So I haven’t really needed you much, man
I think we need to just step back and chill

Ren, you sound more insane than I do
You think that those doctors are really there to guide you?
You’ve been through this a million times
Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to

Okay, take another pill boy
Drown yourself in the sound of white noise
Follow this ten-step program, rejoice
All your problems will be gone! Fuckin’ dumb boy

Nah, mate, this time it’s different, man, trust me
I feel like things might be falling in place
And my music’s been kinda doing bits too
Like I actually might do something great

And when I’m gone, maybe I’ll be remembered
For doing something special with myself
That’s why I don’t think that we should talk, man
‘Cause when you’re with me, it never seems to help

You think that you can amputate me?
I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we
We are one, split in two that makes one, so you see
You got to kill you if you wanna kill me

I’m not left over dinner, I’m not scraps on the side
Oh, your music is thriving? Delusional guy
Where’s your top ten hit? Where’s your interview with Oprah?
Where are your Grammies, Ren? Nowhere!

Yeah, but, my music’s not commercial like that
I never chased numbers, statistics or stats
I never write hooks for the radio, they never even play me
So why would I concern myself with that?
But my music is really connecting
And the people who find it, respect it
And for me, that’s enough ’cause this life’s been tough
So it gives me a purpose I can rest in

Man, you sound so pretentious
Ren, your music is so self-centred
No one wants to hear another song about
How much you hate yourself, trust me
You should be so lucky, having me inside you to guide you
Remind you to manage expectations
Provide you perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it
You wanna be a big deal, next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it

Man, it’s not like that
Man it’s just like that, I’m inside you, you twat
No, it’s not man, you’re wrong, when I write, I belong
Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song

Ren sits down, has a stroke of genius
He wants to write a song that was not done previous
A battle with his subconscious, Eminem did it
Played on guitar, Plan B did it

Man, you’re not original, you criminal, rip-off artist
The pinnacle of your success is stealing other people’s material
Ren, mate, we’ve heard it all before
Uh, “she sells seashells on the sea shore”

Fuck you, I don’t need you, I don’t need to hear this
‘Cause I’m fine by myself, I’ma genius
And I will be great, and I will make waves
And I’ll shake up the whole world beneath us

That’s right, speak your truth, your fuckin’ God complex leaks out of you
It’s refreshing to actually hear you say it instead of downplay it
“Ugh, music Is all about the creative process and if people can find
Something to relate to within that, then that’s just a bonus”

Fuck you, I’ma fuckin’ kill you, Ren
Well fuckin’ kill me then, let’s fuckin’ have you Ren
I’m a do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?
‘Cause I call the shots. I choose if you die
Yeah, I call the shots, and so I who choose who survives
I’ll tie you up in knots when I’ll lock you inside

News flash
I was created at the dawn of creation
I am temptation, I am the snake in Eden
I am the reason for treason, beheading all Kings
I am sin with no rhyme or reason
Sun of the morning, Lucifer, antichrist
Father of lies, Mestophilies
Truth in a blender, deceitful pretender
The banished avenger, the righteous surrender

When standing in-front of my solar eclipse
My name it is stitched to your lips, so, you see
I won’t bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal
You wanna kill me? I’m enteral, immortal
I live in every decision that catalysed chaos
That causes division
I live inside death, the beginning of ends
I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren

Hi Ren, I’ve been taking some time to be distant
I’ve been taking some time to be still
I’ve been taking some time to be by myself
And I’ve spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide starts turning
Just as sure as the night has dawn
Just as sure as rainfall soon runs dry
When you stand in an eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted
I was made to be broken and beat
I was made by His hand, it’s all part of His plan
That I stand on my own two feet
And you know me, my will is eternal
And you know me, you’ve met me before
Face-to-face with a beast, I will rise from the east
And I’ll settle on the ocean floor

And I go by many names also
Some people know me as “hope”
Some people know me as the voice that you hear
When you loosen the noose on the rope
And you know how I know that I’ll prosper?
‘Cause I stand here beside you today
I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain
And I didn’t once flinch or shake

So cower at the man I’ve become, when I sing from the top of my lungs
That I won’t retire, I’ll stand in your fire, inspire the weak to be strong
And when I am gone, I will rise in the music that I left behind
Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you, we’re a coin with two different sides

When I was 17 years old, I shouted out into an empty room
Into a blank canvas, that I would defeat the forces of evil
And for the next ten years of my life, I suffered the consequences
With autoimmunity, illness, and psychosis

As I got older, I realised that there were no real winners
And there were no real losers in physiological warfare
But there were victims and there were students
It wasn’t David versus Goliath, it was a pendulum
Eternally swayin’ from the dark to the light
And the more intensely that the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast

It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance
And like a dance, the more rigid I became, the harder it got
The more I cursed my clumsy footsteps, the more I struggled
So I got older and I learned to relax
And I learned to soften and that dance got easier

It is this eternal dance that separates human beings
From angels, from demons, from gods
And I must not forget, we must not forget
That we are human beings

References:

(1) NHS England » England’s NHS mental health services treat record 3.8 million people last year
(2) The Meaning of Life (1983) – IMDb
(3) Ren – Hi Ren (Official Video)

If you are struggling from any of the content written in this post, please visit Hub of Hope where you can find a local charity for support. If it is an emergency please call 999 or 111 (option 2) for mental health support.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Please, take care and be kind to yourself.