Every now and then, I think to myself ‘I ought start writing again’. But, I find myself hit with either no time to physically, and emotionally sit down and write what’s going on, or I’m hit with writers block. Sometimes, it’s a combination of the two.
As we find ourselves a couple of weeks into a new year, it still feels like the old. Except right now, we’re faced with new affirmations popping up to remind us of the ways we can hold onto positivity, the law of attraction, and our spiritual guide. I can’t say I’ve held onto any key words or affirmations to kick-start my way into 2023, but I have been searching for something. Needless to say, the world is always changing, and when you’re so used to the way things are, change can be difficult to understand. I’m not too sure how 2023 expects me to shine, but it is the Year of the Rabbit (in the Chinese Zodiac), and being born a ‘Rabbit’, in 1987, I feel as though there will be something magical happening.
I’m not too sure what this ‘magic’ may be. At times I feel so full of confidence, ready to take on the next challenge in my life, and then the next I’m sobbing my way through an evening because change is hard, and I’m anxious about the future.
Perhaps I should be a little clearer here; Work is great, and I love my role. I feel I’ve fallen into it nicely and whilst my brain continues to wish more for me, and plans other ideas of what I can achieve, I feel contempt with my position. I’m still attempting to manage my masters as well, so I shouldn’t be considering any other careers which could just add to my already complex life. And, whilst I’ve fallen massively behind on my studies, I do feel ready to achieve and find my place with my academic research. The degree is perfect for my current role and could help me with massively achieving elsewhere.
So, what’s the problem? I hate change. And the more I look back, the more I realise there’s been relapse, after relapse. Perhaps I’m scared. Perhaps I’m unprepared of what’s going to happen. When one thing changes, my anxiety increases and laughs at me. Whether it’s because I’m autistic, or it’s because of the ever-increasing mental health diagnoses, I’m bleeding at the nail-bed because I’m constantly picking at the flaws on my hands, and I’m struggling to stop the compulsions.
I have so many questions, so many passing thoughts; What’s next? Am I capable? Can I achieve? Will I fail? Am I a failure? What should I do? What should I be doing? Now what?
People leave me. It’s as simple as that. Well, perhaps that sounds more dramatic than it ought to be, but I’m pretty certain that in my lifetime, all the good people have in some form or another left me. In this case, people aren’t leaving me. Our manager is moving onto a new position, which is great news (for them!) but for us, it’s causing a bit of upheaval. It may not be noticeable in the work-life, but emotionally, something is kicking us in the gut.
Sure, it’s a fear of abandonment. But also, for some reason, I feel this overwhelming sadness, that those I connect with move on, leaving me feeling ‘stuck’, and unknowing with how to move forwards. So, what do I do? Do I challenge the negative thoughts and conquer the fear by jumping in at the deep end? How’d I stay connected with those who’ve managed to escape the complexities of knowing me?! Why am I not brave enough to also move on? Why do I feel I need permission from others to try something new? Why do I feel so guilty for wanting to try something new, too?
Now, please don’t get me wrong, not everyone leaves. I have some amazing people in my life. The only way I can explain it, is by thinking of it like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Each layer of the hierarchy has different relationships which provide different, authentic, human connection. Being able to be seen, heard, valued, and to feel a sense of belonging. Yes, I feel this on ‘most’ levels, but I struggle to maintain connections on the levels where interests lie, commonalities lie, and where aspirations and dreams are not only discussed, but achieved or sought out.
I’ve been thinking about this for some time, now. And it’s only a matter of processing change, and learning what your own next steps are going to be. After all, how do you manage change when those who fit into these levels suddenly disperse from your realm? Change can hurt, and leads to us feeling broken, lost, and confused.
Perhaps the way to think about it is that change can also lead us to greatness. After all, I have surpassed all that has been thrown my way, including people coming and going throughout my life. So, my fears are proven to have been beaten. Can I challenge myself with new beginnings in 2023? Do I stay put and carry on with feeling contempt with work, whilst I attempt to complete my degree? Or do I throw myself into something new, because how am I supposed to know if it’s right or not, if I do not give it a go?
2023 is open to new opportunities…
The Year of the Rabbit, is to bring prosperity, hope and calm.
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